Three babies. Three birth stories.
In September 2018, our first and second daughters were born: identical twin girls “V” and “C”. On June 12th, 2020, our third daughter was born still: Blair Elise Strohmayer. Although she was born still, she was still born. On the eve of what would have been Blair’s August 2nd due date, I am sharing Blair’s birth story. I am giving equal recognition to the birth of our third daughter as I did with the births of our twin daughters. As one can imagine, this has been a hard piece to write. I have given myself Blair’s due date as my own due date to put Blair’s birth story in writing.
Before I begin, I’m going to backtrack to two years ago when I shared V and C’s birth stories on social media:
Our daughters entered the world on a Saturday morning after 40 hours of labor: V (Baby A) at 10:58am, 4lbs and 7oz, 18.25 inches long and C (Baby B) at 11:17am, 5lbs and 13oz, 18.5 inches long. We are blessed beyond measure to have you in our lives.
A few weeks after their birth, I wrote this playful Instagram post:
At 37 weeks and 2 days gestation, V & C arrived to rock our world. I will never forget the details of their birth and have tried multiple times to write it all down in between feeds and nap times but as you know or can imagine, twin newborns require a lot of your time and running on no sleep makes it harder to write much less speak in full sentences! 🤪
V and C’s birth involved a 40 hour induction and two hours of pushing. The protocol for twin vaginal births is that Baby A’s are delivered first. They are named A because they’re closer to the cervix and USUALLY they’re larger and make for an easy passage of Baby B in the birth canal. Well, this didn’t happen for us! 🙃 Both babies were in head down positions. This sounds ideal but their heads were basically at the same level at my cervix! Each were pushing for the “first place position” which caused slow cervical dilation and little progress. Ultimately, laboring in the 👑 throne position 👑 helped to finally get them moving with gravity as their guide. Shockingly, Baby A (V) was a whole pound LESS than Baby B (C)! So, it felt near impossible and a whole lot more painful to push C out. 🤦🏽♀️ I birthed pretty silently and breathed through each contraction and break with my eyes closed. The moments of both babies coming out of me will always be such special, surreal memories. 💪🏼
I thank God for bringing them safely to the outside world and will forever marvel at my body for carrying and delivering twins. 🙏🏼👨👩👧👧 👯♀️
Oh, how things change once you’ve delivered a stillborn baby. It’s hard to see all the exclamation points that I used. I wish I could have that same excitement for Blair. I wish my belly was bursting right now at the weight and size of Blair’s full-term body. I wish I could feel Blair kicking inside of me and Nic and I chuckling at her strength like we always did. I could literally be delivering her at this very moment. But alas, Blair died. Without further adieu, here is the birth story of Blair Elise Strohmayer. She rightfully deserves this birth story as do I as the mother who birthed her.
On a Friday evening at 32 weeks and 5 days gestation, Blair Elise Strohmayer was born. The time was 9:28pm. She weighed 4 pounds and 1 ounce. She was 17.9 inches long. She came out head first with her right hand laying across her cheek. My epidural failed so I had felt her little hand the entire time she was in the birth canal. It was like she outstretched her little hand and couldn’t wait any longer to be with us.
I went into the hospital on Thursday evening, June 11th, just after dinner with Nic and the girls. It was not a normal evening by any stretch of the imagination. We knew something was wrong but I don’t think either of us suspected our daughter to be dead. I had not detected any fetal movement that afternoon. The plan was to have as normal of an evening routine as possible for Violet and Cora, and that I would go to the hospital as soon as dinner was over.
Soon after entering triage at Labor and Delivery, the nurse had trouble finding a heartbeat with a fetal monitor. She scrambled over my belly to find it. I was familiar with the ‘dance’ of identifying heartbeats and even with the twin pregnancy, it never took this long. Soon, the OB on call was radio-ed in. I saw Blair’s heart on the ultrasound screen. It was a solid mass with no flickering. I know what it was supposed to look like. Her heart was supposed to be flitting back and forth inside. Her heart wasn’t moving. Next, another sonographer was called in where Blair’s death was officially confirmed as a “fetal death in utero” or FDIU.
All I remember is trying to breathe but feeling like the air was too heavy to breathe. I kept gasping for air and wailing. I made sounds I've never made before. I couldn't make sense of what I was doing. I was beside myself. Mind you, I was in triage. There were other patients around with just curtains separating us. I kept thinking about them and tried to recollect myself but I felt like I couldn't breathe. My baby was dead. How was I alive but my baby was dead? I couldn't process it. These new and unfamiliar sounds of mourning continued on and off for the full duration of my hospital stay.
I organized childcare for the girls while Nicholas still didn’t know Blair had died. Our friend Annie generously started the forty minute drive immediately to watch them overnight. We run a tight ship when it comes to bedtime routines so I knew he had exactly fifteen more minutes before the girls would be put down for bed. The on-call OB and nurse sat with me while we waited for Nic to become available. I shared the maddening news and we discussed induction options with the doctor. It was another hour or so before Nic was able to meet me in the delivery room.
The induction started at midnight and was slow-moving. I hovered at a pitiful one centimeter dilation for ten hours. My body was weak from weeping and lack of sleep. By the time of Blair’s birth the next evening, I had been induced and in various stages of labor for about 20 hours. Unlike a “live” birth, I didn’t have to wear a fetal monitor belt but I did still have to wear an uncomfortable belt to monitor my contractions. During labor, I often rocked Blair in my belly and sung to her like I always did at home. I spent some time trying to locate a yellow swaddle to wrap Blair in when she was born. There was one I had saved in our shopping cart online but thought I had so much more time before needing to purchase it. My local mother’s of multiples group sent an emergency call out to all members to help. My friend Kylie swooped in for the win and brought me a bright yellow, brand-new swaddle to the hospital for us. As time waned, I clung to the swaddle and stared longingly at that rocking chair. I made it my mission to get Blair out and in my arms so I could swaddle her and carry her to that chair.
Things really started to pick up around 8:45pm on Friday evening when Blair entered the birth canal. I thought I was in for hours of pushing but compared to what I experienced with V and C, Blair’s birth happened with much less interference. I squirmed on my side, panting and straining through each contraction. I remember telling Nic how I couldn’t do it, that I couldn’t bare it. I eventually centered myself and breathed slowly through the searing pain of Blair moving down. The doctor came in and checked that I was at eight centimeters. He said he was going to leave the room and contact anesthesia to re-do my epidural.
No less than two minutes later, I had Nic call the nurse and doctor back into the room. I could feel that Blair was partially out. Sure enough, Blair’s head was crowning. I never pushed. She and my body did the work all on their own. I was instructed to bear down briefly. A few seconds later at 9:28pm, Blair was born.
At birth, Blair was beautiful. She had jet-black curly hair that was so tight and coily. Her fingernails were long. Her whole body was quite long, almost exactly the same length that Violet was at her birth. Her fingers and toes were perfect. Her eyebrows, her cheeks, and her lips were perfect. It was tragic to look at such a perfect, beautifully-formed baby and see death. Blair’s body was still warm when we first met her but she did become cooler over time. Her skin also degraded over time.
We spent around three hours with our precious third daughter. I sung to her and talked to her. Nicholas prayed over her. We took lots of pictures in her special blanket and gave her lots of kisses and cuddles. We mentioned her family members one by one and told her how much we all loved her. At the end of our time with her, I made it over to that rocking chair and said goodbye.
At some point after saying goodbye, I drifted into some form of sleep. A few hours later, I woke up screaming. I screamed and I screamed. Louder and louder. I couldn’t stop myself for a long time. What was this nightmare I experienced? The pain was indescribable. The pain is indescribable and at times my emotions still carry me right back to that very moment in the hospital room when I was no longer pregnant with no baby in my arms. It is from this pain that I built this website. I want to do my part in breakIng the taboo of talking about stillbirth and advocate for better stillbirth research so that less families have to experience the pain of losing their children in this way.
Blair came and Blair left all in one night. She arrived to this world without a sound but she was still born. Our beautiful third daughter. Our beautiful Blair Elise.
