On the day we expected you to be born
Oh, Blair. Today was and will always your day. From the moment Daddy and I knew we were pregnant with you, August 2nd 2020 was your due date. I spent many days thinking and dreaming of this day - what you would look like and who’d you resemble, if I would be able to go into labor naturally without an induction this time around, how your big sisters would handle me leaving them overnight for multiple nights for the first time ever, what their reactions would be to meeting you for the first time and accepting that Mama had a new baby in her arms.
We had your arrival all planned out. Your paternal grandparents were to quarantine with us from week 35 onwards as we anticipated your birth. I was going to hand-write a simple book with basic drawings by Daddy that explained to V and C how our lives were going to change with a new baby in the house. That book was already in draft form. I had started pulling out newborn clothing items from your big sisters and had planned to rearrange the closet in what would have been your shared nursery. Your crib and bassinet - different from your sisters - were standing and waiting in the basement.
For what we didn’t have ready yet at 32 weeks when you died, we had a strict timeline for when we would get them done. That weekend was when we were going to install car seats in both of our vehicles. That weekend was also when I was going to order a brand-new baby carrier and other special yellow things I had selected for you like your yellow swaddle, sunshine nursing pillow (yes! I found one of those!), a yellow nursing cover, and sunshine decals for the nursery. In the coming weeks, I was going to finalize birthday details for your twin sisters’ 2nd birthday in September - butterfly themed - and start studying the at-home preschool curriculum that I planned to use in the fall as I knew it would be too much on plate to review in August.
Blair, what has really happened today on August 2nd is nothing like what I or anyone imagined. Mama, Daddy, V, C, and Grandma (your paternal grandmother) visited your grave site. Boma (your maternal grandmother) shared these yellow frangipani flowers she’s growing at her home in The Bahamas. I published this website and blog because Mama needed something tangible to honor you that can keep growing and existing long after you left this Earth. Your family and loved ones are all clinging to the memories of you.
When I was pregnant with you, I often day-dreamed about what kinds of things V and C would be up to by the time you were born. Every day and week of my pregnancy with you, they changed so much.Would they have more hair, finally? Would they be talking? What words would they be able to say? What new things would they have learned? How much will they understand about having a baby sister?
So today, on this day we expected you to be born, your big sisters woke up this morning repeating the words “I love you. I love you.”, over and over again. For some reason, both V and C had enormous appetites. They had not one, not two, but FOUR breakfasts and got up into their highchairs to eat all by themselves. They also finished their plates for lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. I’m sure your grandparents would have had a kick out of handing V and C’s food requests with Daddy and I at the hospital with you. At one point in the day, V recited her ABCs almost correctly all the way up to the letter O and counted to ten saying “one, two, four, five, seven, nine, ten”. C counted all the way up to the number ten correctly for the first time. And yes, the girls finally have bit more hair, even enough for pigtails and ponytails. The also know your name and say “baby sister” and “baby Blair'“ when referring to you.
Hot tears streamed down my face as I listened to their chants and stared out into the sunshine peeking out of our bedroom window when I woke up and heard V and C say their I love you’s. The thought occurred to me that if you hadn’t died and we hadn’t lost you through stillbirth, our whole family could have been practicing counting together by tickling your ten little toes and fingers.
We all love you, Blair, and will continue to love you always.
