New pregnancy after stillbirth with letters to our four children
On Thanksgiving Day, Nicholas and I announced to family and friends that we are expecting our fourth child. The announcement was simple with the words and picture below: "Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. We are thankful for Violet, Cora, Blair, and baby #4 due in late spring 2021. With love, Nicholas & Maria." We announced this pregnancy earlier than we usually do. At ten weeks, we are still in our first trimester. The reason why we decided to share early is because I want to be very transparent in my writing about my grief and pregnancy after stillbirth in real time. Blair has also taught us that this baby is already our child and he or she will be remembered and loved regardless of the pregnancy outcome.
I know everyone wants to know how I’m doing as newly pregnant after stillbirth. It’s a question I’ve been getting a lot. The answer is heavy and complicated, as one would expect. I will address how I’m feeling in my writing in the upcoming months. For my first post, however, I want to share notes I wrote to our four children upon our pregnancy news. With Violet and Cora, it also shows how we shared the news and how they reacted differently to the news.
Violet: Violet, my sweet and very sensitive girl. I know you're confused. You were pretty silent when we told you that mama has a new baby in her tummy. At first, you grinned so big and jumped up and down. Then, Cora joked that she had "a baby Blair in her tummy, too" while tickling her belly button. We all laughed but then Mama had to get a little serious. I explained that 1) only Mama has a baby in her belly, and 2) This new baby is not Blair. This is is a different baby. When I asked you if you knew where Blair was, you got excited again and yelled out "IN MAMA'S TUMMY!!". I took a deep breath and clarified softly and slowly: Blair died, we buried her body at the cemetery, and visit her grave. This is a different baby, a new baby. You shied away as you retreated from the difficult conversation, cuddled into Daddy, then asked for a snack. And that's okay, sweet girl. We can talk about it again another time when you're ready. We all have big feelings about Mama being pregnant again.
Cora: Cora, my bubbly girl who lives for all things fun. Your immediate reaction was to ask if you could climb inside mama's belly and join the new baby. You then joked that you had a baby inside your tummy, too, as you lifted up your shirt and tickled your belly button. You did seem to initially confuse baby #4 with baby Blair, but that seemed to diminish as you soon began to repeat over and over "NEW baby, DIFFERENT baby". You then nestled your head over my growing belly and said "Cora sleep next to little little baby", staying there for quite a while. We talked about how first Violet and Cora grew inside of Mama’s belly, then it was Blair’s turn and she grew inside Mama’s belly, and now a new baby is growing inside of Mama. You were so interested that we even talked about how babies grow inside of an organ called a uterus. You loved saying the word ‘uterus’. You are going to be such a great sister again as you already are to your twin sister Violet and baby sister Blair.
Blair: Blair, it was not long ago that you were the one growing in my tummy. And now we've announced baby #4. The word "congratulations" and wishes for a healthy pregnancy stings so hard even though the intents are genuine. I want to be very clear with you: you are still our ultimate blessing even though you died. People are hoping for a healthy, term pregnancy with this new one - I do, too - but in this moment, I just want to focus on the fact that there is new life inside of me - just like you. God knit you together in my womb just like our new baby #4 is now being knit. You, my beautiful Blair Elise, are just as precious and miraculous. My beautiful daughter, I wish more than anything in life that you were alive and growing alongside your sisters, but you're not, and that's okay. We love you the same, my child. If anything, we love you more because love in grief stings so painfully that it has permeated all things in life thereafter.
Baby #4: To my newest baby that I am just beginning to know, I love you . I am doing my darnedest to protect you and bring you to full term. I felt like I was holding my breath until I could finally see your heart beat flicker on the ultrasound machine at our first appointment. Back and forth, back and forth, I could have watched your heart beat on repeat all day long. You will bring your own special little life and personality to our family. You will bring me pride, joy, and laughter because you are you - not because your presence is somehow responsible for taking away the sadness and grief I feel for your big sister who died. And should you not take a breath in this world either, I do not fear it. I understand that nothing in life is guaranteed. I will be all the more thankful that another little life lived and became a part of our family. My earnest hope and prayer is that I carry you into this world healthy and alive. I can't wait to mother you - as I already am - through all your stages in life. I look forward to sharing Blair’s memory with you just as I do with Violet and Cora as you all grow up together.
There is no love as pure, unconditional, and strong as a mother's love." -Christiane Northrup
