First Christmas while grieving

We have finally made it to the end through our first holiday season while grieving Blair. I feel like I could wear a badge of honor for making it through. I think all grieving persons deserve one. 

It seemed that the earlier part of the Christmas season was harder for me. Blair's absence was felt strongly and I found myself deeply sobbing often in quiet moments by the twinkling lights of our new Christmas tree, desperately wishing Blair was in my arms to dazzle in the beauty and brightness of it all like her sisters had two years before.

While deeply sad, it was also a deeply joyful Christmas. I had the honor of teaching the basic concepts of Jesus' miraculous birth and the pretend magic of Santa Claus to our daughters. V and C loved singing 'Away in a Manger' or ('the baby Jesus song' according to them), listening to the scriptures, and acting out the nativity scene. They also really caught on to the song 'Up on the Housetop' and - to my surprise - could recite the full song even with its complicated lyrics. 

Pictured at the top of this post is a close-up of my quiet time thinking about Blair on Christmas Eve, holding a stocking hand-sewn by one of Blair's grandmothers. In the stocking were cards and letters lovingly mailed and addressed to Blair by relatives so that we could having something to open for her on Christmas morning. 

An old song by the Carpenters also came into my had that night. I continued singing the tune throughout that evening and all day. I love you, my daughter. We sure missed you this Christmas.

Blair Elise Strohmayer,
Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you.